In 24 years of marriage, I never ceased to ask my husband for sweet words. He tries! (memory from Greece)
Two Different Beliefs
A senior leader once told me that he doesn’t give compliments because he doesn’t want them to become less valuable.
I believe in the opposite.
One of the compliments I receive most often is that I bring positive energy and see and call out the best in others.
And those words of encouragement don’t just feel good.
They bring out more of the good in me.
Have you seen IKEA’s experiment with plants in schools, where one plant received compliments and the other received verbal bullying?
The plant receiving words of encouragement flourished, while the other drooped and yellowed.
Of course, we’re not plants. ☺️ But the experiment makes something visible: what we put into our environment matters.
And research on human relationships tells us something similar. Positive interactions matter. John Gottman’s research, for example, has shown that lasting relationships in couples contain substantially more positive than negative interactions (the famous 5 to 1 ratio), particularly when navigating conflict.
Positive words matter.
Leadership Application
As leaders, we bring the weather. We set the tone.
Of course, clear feedback matters. Direct conversations matter. And on leadership teams, we need to surface conflict and have productive debates.
But we can underestimate the power of calling out what’s good in people and teams.
Research on high-performing teams has found that positive-to-negative interactions matter. One HBR study found a 5.6 to 1 ratio, while a 3 to 1 ratio is often cited as a tipping point for employee engagement.
The exact ratio isn't the point.
The direction is.
What we consistently notice, acknowledge, and reinforce matters.
When we name someone's strength, recognize their contribution, or appreciate something the team did well, we'e not simply being "nice.”
We're helping create more of what we want to see.
And we’re creating an environment where people can hear the harder things, too.
Not instead of the hard conversations.
But alongside them.
And, once again:
Positive words matter.
And as a bonus, you may even get what is sometimes called the “helper’s high.” ☺️
An Invitation for Reflection
If you did a quick, honest estimate, what would your ratio of positive to negative words be
at work?
with your family?
And what might change if you intentionally added a few more words of appreciation, encouragement, or recognition?
Lastly, what if you directed those questions toward yourself?
How kind are you to yourself in your inner dialogue?
And which words might be more helpful than others?
Positive words create more of what we want to see—in ourselves, in others, and in our teams.
