Recently, I was in a coaching conversation with a senior executive who wanted to better lead his senior leadership team.
I could have shared my observations directly. In fact, I had received helpful input from his team and had a fairly clear perspective on where he could explore.
Instead, I asked him a question:
"To what extent do you think your direct reports would describe you as assertive and direct when setting expectations, following through, and providing feedback?"
He paused.
Then said, "Hmm... I don't think they would describe me as very direct."
I then invited him to place himself on a simple matrix with two dimensions: Assertion and Compassion.
After another pause, he smiled.
"I'd put myself in the high-compassion, low-assertion quadrant."
I asked where he would ideally like to be.
Without hesitation, he replied, "Higher on assertion."
In just a few minutes, he had identified both a leadership strength and a growth edge.
Not because I told him.
But because he discovered it himself.
Why It Matters
As leaders, coaches, parents, and friends, we often fall into what I call the “push” approach.
We push our perspective.
We push our observations.
We push our advice.
Sometimes that works.
But often, insight lands more deeply when people arrive at it themselves.
That's why a thoughtful question can be more powerful than a brilliant piece of feedback.
Instead of telling people what we see, we can help them see it for themselves.
That is the essence of the “pull” approach.
The same principle applies to leadership teams.
Many teams spend enormous energy pushing opinions, defending positions, and advocating for their own perspectives.
The most effective teams do something different. They create the conditions for collective insight to emerge.
Instead of asking, "How do I get others to see my perspective?" they ask, "What question might help us see something together that none of us can see alone?"
Reflection
Where in your life or leadership are you tempted to push your perspective?
What conversation might benefit from one less opinion and one more thoughtful question?
Sometimes the most powerful feedback is not what we give, but what we help others discover.
